Welcome!

   I am so thankful God is allowing me to see that there is a purpose to the pain. It's giving me encouragement to keep being transparent. Although God did not cause the pain, He is taken what was meant for my harm and is using it to help others. And that is my prayer! Otherwise, the pain in my life, in my eyes, was for nothing.

   A few of my readers know my story. Their encouragement and support of this blog have helped me know that even though what is written is tough to write, and in some cases possibly hard to read, it is needed. I admit, it's difficult to be so transparent, but it's not about me!

   I asked my good friend who is the First Lady of the Church I attend to write the forward for my book "So Thankful! Life Behind the Posts". As I was writing the book I was talking to her about the transparency of the book, having concerns it was too much. As she was encouraging the writing of the book, She said, (paraphrasing a little, her exact words I don't remember,) "Tammie, you have no idea how many women are going through, and need to hear this." Although my book is different from this blog, it still talks about my storms of life and how the strength of God and holding on to His word has brought me through.

   Life can be a bed of roses, although things may look and smell good on the outside, if you look closer you will find a thorn, being pricked by a thorn can cause pain and at times blood.  I personally hid the pain of my life or tried to. At first, it was a shock to me that someone so close to me would say such belittling things in a demeaning way. My loved one didn't say that I was ugly or fat, I was called a bi..h twice and trust me I put that in check REAL quick, I was NOT going to be called that name again! It's interesting looking back that I took the other abuse but not that. It's hard to explain, it was the way I was spoken to, and that my opinions were seemingly always wrong, to the point I purposely quit giving my opinion.  Sometimes silence can be abusive as well. If you are trying to talk to someone and that someone says nothing in response, or says "anyway", then totally changes the subject without acknowledging you had even spoken a word. Or, simply ignores your existence when you are in a room. It's tough!

   I was embarrassed for people to see how I was treated, I just smiled or said nothing to keep the put-downs to a minimal. I did, however, confide in my best friend, she had witnessed what I was going through. As the years went on I would walk to another room to keep the tears from being seen, smiling if someone came up to me, assuring everything was fine. I believe that even though someone loves you, they love you how they know to love. However, I'm not excusing abusive behavior! Years ago I truly did not understand it, and it hurt me to the core! It crushed my heart! I felt I had to protect those closest to me, trying to hide it all. Making excuses or softening harsh words. I did not even stop to think that people would have their own opinion whether I tried to hide things or not. 

   Did I want to leave?  At times, yes, but deep down I felt that wasn't the direction I was supposed to take. There were good times. In reality, the good and bad balanced each other out. During the bad I always knew the good was coming, but, during the good, I knew the bad was coming also. I learned the triggers, how to try and avoid the bad. But that meant not having a voice at all, or so I thought. I was asked once by the one closest to me why I was still here? Because of the history of the abuse, it wasn't clear to me if I was being told I wasn't good enough. The question took me by surprise. I did not ask for a definition, I wasn't sure I wanted one. Later after he accepted Christ into his heart he told me he didn't know why I hadn't left long ago. That statement gave me my answer. Life took a total 180* turn, it was wonderful! 

Finding a church that suited us all wasn't easy, eventually, we just quit looking. Life went back to how it was before.

   I now understand much more than I did, it truly helps soften the pain. I believe I now understand the "why's" behind the abuse. Again, it doesn't excuse it, but it helps me forgive which is what's needed for me to move forward.

   I'm learning I have to take charge of my own life, not allowing anyone to define it for me. I truthfully was struggling with even posting this blog. I was asking God "should I post it now, later, or never?" Then on Facebook today a well-known woman of God was talking, her message was the answer I needed to keep going. She has gone through also, and made it!

   I am living proof that the chains of your past can cause you to be a way you do not want to be, or in my case even realize the effects of the past are present. It took people I trusted to point this out to me.

I want you to know it has been the strength of God that has brought me through all of life's struggles and has kept me sane during my most challenging times. When tough times come I look back at how He brought me through in the past knowing He will bring me through again. There is an old song that say's "He didn't bring us this far to leave us, He didn't teach us to swim to let us drown, He didn't build His home in us to move away, He didn't lift us to let us down" love that song, it has helped me a lot. 

I actually wrote this blog this last weekend knowing my week was going to be really busy. And I'll tell you, even after I heard encouraging words from the woman of God knowing I needed to move forward to post this blog, it was still really hard for me. I asked a few more people about it, all encouraged me to post, even though they hadn't read it, their words helped push me to post. Again it's not about me!   

Thanks For Reading! 
Blessings! 
Tammie

Welcome!

   Since the last blog my thought has been "man, I'm really putting myself out there." wondering what everyone might be thinking.

   One of my readers messaged me a few weeks ago saying how brave she thought I was and was glad that I found my voice. I'm grateful for her message, it made me think.  Honestly, I have not thought of myself in those terms, but rather as a survivor. By survivor I mean, I can take it and keep going. But, by taking it, no matter what the abuse was, or is, it has created a version of myself that I didn't realize existed. The inner me that has been bound by the effects of the past. It doesn't matter if that past was over forty years ago, or as recent as last week, I don't want to be that person anymore! I am a strong person and can take what life brings. However, now that I have recognized that there are chains from my past that have held me back, I'm finding the key to unlock those chains so I will be free! The effects of the abuse in my life will no longer have a hold on me.

   When I was in the seventh and eighth grade, there was a group of girls I hung out with. The girl who was kind of the leader of the group (she had a tough upbringing) would always slug me in the arm, not to be mean, just joking around. One day I asked her why she would always do this me, and her reply was "because you can take it." Apparently, she had seen something in me coming from an abusive life herself, although her abuse was different than mine. I've tried to find her on Facebook without success. I remember her name. She may have married and has a different last name, not on social media at all, or perhaps passed away. I've thought of her often due to the fact that she, through those slugs in the arm, helped me to realize I was a strong person. As strange as that may sound, it's the way it is.

   Putting the transparency of my life out there for everyone to read feels a little vulnerable.

However, I know abuse holds no prejudice, male and female, young or old, no matter the color of a person skin, anyone can be affected.

   This week as I was thinking about the vulnerability of my life through not only blogging but the book I've written, (So Thankful! Life Behind the Posts.) It really didn't seem to matter to me. I know everyone will have their opinion, some will vocalize their opinion while others won't. And that's okay. But this one thing is giving me the strength to allow the level of transparency I have, (that someone will find strength in knowing that they are not alone!) Some have been through much worse than I, others perhaps not, but, you are still not alone!

   I endured sexual and mental abuse growing up. During my adult life, I have endured mental abuse. Although I have never been physically abused to the point of bruising, I have acknowledged little smacks on the arm (not in a playful way) something I will no longer allow to happen. I had to learn to love myself enough to say "EXCUSE ME, no more!"

   Since abuse was the norm growing up, (even though I did not recognize it as such) that norm carried into my adult life. Abuse can be sneaky and take on many forms. What feels as though someone is taking care of you, can actually be a form of control. This control at one time in my life was to the point of needing permission to color my hair, that permission was denied. I did, however, get a temporary color in my hair, feeling guilty I confessed, and he didn't notice, so I was off the hook.

   I am a Christian. I'm not religious. Jesus lives in my heart, My Heavenly Fathers Spirit is my helper, and He guides and teaches me every day. I have a relationship with God! Being a Christian is being Christ-like. I said all that to say this, I have been married 99% of my adult life since before I was 21.  I believe in being a Godly wife, and allowing the man to take his rightful place as head of the home (to wear the pants in the family). All of my married life I believe I have been a Godly wife, honoring and respecting my husband. However, because the abuse was apart of my life growing up, I accepted abuse as honoring my husband as well. Therefore, while I was in the dating stage I took certain parts of control as love and protection, with occasional verbal abuse as simply "why would he say that?" At the time, I did not have enough love or respect for myself to stand up for myself or simply just walk away.

   I have since after over 30 years acknowledged abuse for what it is, abuse! Being a Godly wife does not mean being a submissive abused wife. I am learning the difference. And yes, I do have a voice! Thank you, my reader, you know who you are : )

   To all my readers, please don't feel sorry for me. I have done enough of that on my own. Instead, know that God has given me a voice and the strength to help someone else who needs to know they are not alone and that someone understand and cares! I was to the point in my life where my thought was "God if this is all my life has to offer me, then take me home because I'd rather not live" But, you never go through storms in life for yourself, it's always to help someone else.

Thanks For Reading!

Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

   As I have allowed myself to go back through time in my mind remembering the unpleasantness life has brought, and getting to the root of the inner turmoil that has plagued me, the words of one of the challengers from one of the beginning blogs remain in my heart.

"Releasing someone is to tell them that because of the power of God you have no longer caused any damage in my life. You no longer owe me anything. We both are free"

This revelation is changing my life! It's helping me allow God to set me free! And truthfully, in some cases, it's something I do on a daily basis. Not face to face, but in my heart.

   The ones from my past can only still hurt me if I'm unforgiving toward them in my heart.

The ones in my present that are the same, yet different, they are the ones that still have access to my heart. I've heard it said for many years, and have found to be true, that the ones closest to you hurt you the worst. Wether intentional or not.

   Being hurt (in my case anyway) has caused a wall to go up to block my heart from further pain, but it's only led to an unforgiving attitude and bitterness. Trust is a pretty big thing to me, especially being able to trust someone's word. Trusting with my heart after it has been crushed especially when it's those closest to me, was a definite argument with God. It meant I had to open myself up to the very pain the wall was designed to keep out.

   Part of the healing process for me in one area of my life has been writing special notes for someone special. In one of those notes I felt I was supposed to write, "I trust you" I said, "really God!? But I don't" I didn't trust my heart would not be crushed again, and again. I really didn't want to write it because I felt it was a lie, but I had to trust God, so I wrote it. While I was writing "I trust you" I felt healing take place in my heart, and from that moment the trust was back. And yes, trust in that area is a process, forgiveness is a process, but I know I have to keep my heart open and not allow that wall back up. I have to trust the strength of God.

   For the sake of keeping it real, going through this process and opening my heart up again hasn't meant that my heart hasn't been hurt, even since I started this blogging. I've still cried and thought, "God, when is the hurt going to stop? When is my heart going to quit being broken?" I've wondered if my heart will be safe from this particular pain, yet knowing I have to keep forgiveness at the forefront of my life. Reminding my heart that love never fails. Note, man's love, But the love that comes from God.

God, Himself is love, and He never fails!

   I find myself through this process (and even before it began) wondering about the promises of God, not questioning them, but rather wondering when I'm going to see them come to pass, like Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, say's the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." NKJV

   I hold onto Gods word. He and His word are one. It's been my hope in the darkest times of my life.

As the blogging continues. As I continue to allow the healing process to continue through time alone with God and total surrender. Giving it all to Him. Releasing the hurt, bitterness, anger, disgust, forgiving myself, and others. One day I will wake up a whole, New Person!

Thanks For Reading!
Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

Growing up, especially from my teen years on, I have maintained a mindset that one does not have the right to abuse or belittle another, period. Everyone bleeds red.

As I have been in this process, of remembering, my thoughts are, how DARE they! Who did they think they were? they knew exactly what their intentions were.  It angers me, and it sickens me! I know there is a healing process, maybe this is a part of it, but I won't let it take root! otherwise the predator has won, still having a hold on me, affecting my life.

During the conversation leading to the challenge that put me on this journey, a very interesting statement was made that has stayed with me, helping me in this process.  It was, forgiving someone means releasing them from the wrong as if it never happened.  Again, it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me! and what I need to be free!

When I was younger, even as the predators nibbled, as I mentioned in a prior post, I thought it was just me, their actions were innocent? or so I thought possible.   I know now that was not the case in any way. I'm mad at myself for being that vulnerable, that naive.  What's next?  First,  I need to forgive myself, that may prove to be tough!  I believe I am my toughest critic, I expect much from myself, but,  I know I have to forgive! even Myself!

I truly believe we don't go through the storms of life just to get through them, but to help someone going through, where we have been.  Or, possibly, to wave a red flag.

I believe that getting past the effects of the predator's nibbles is for a reason, not just healing for me, even though that's a HUGE part of it, but healing for others as well.

I know there are many different forms of abuse, sexually, physically, emotionally, the list keeps going. And though I have never been physically abused, at least not to the extreme, or even the not so extreme as many have.  I do however know the effects of sexual and emotional abuse.  Subtle and not so subtle.  It's lonely, painful, emotionally and physically draining.

When the obvious sex abuse happened, even though I told, for some reason I didn't think of it as sex abuse, but rather, something wrong that happened. Now that I'm grown,  recognizing it for what it was, my thoughts are, wow! And not in a good way, but in a sick and discussed way. Not at myself, but the predator.

It wasn't until just a few years ago that I recognized the emotional abuse I have endured all my life, as emotional abuse. Growing up I just thought of it as being bullied, not recognizing that words are creative and carry weight.  The old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" IS SUCH A LIE!! I could go into several stories of things that have been said to me that have stayed with me through my life, however, I choose not to go there.

I'm discovering that abuse has a deep root and has affected me in ways I have never thought possible. The protector who taught me used to always say or do things to make other people feel good. On many occasions, stretching the truth, to impress? I don't know.  Looking back at how I handled many things, I was unknowingly taught by the protector. Only He had confidence, or so I thought.  Maybe not, knowing some of his histories, maybe he too was in survival mode. None the less, I need to press through to healing.

As I've been writing these blogs, I've realized, all the abuse I've endured through my life has kept me in chains, and held me back. It's time for the chains to come off, the root to die, and to be set free! It all starts with forgiveness! So, I choose to forgive!

Knowing God is real has been such a big part of my life, He has become my lifeline. I've been through some hard stuff, and even though I wasn't always sure how to reach out to Him, looking back, He was always there.  Just like He'll be for this healing process.

Thanks for Reading!
Blessings!

Tammie