Welcome!

As I stated on my blog from 12-11-16, I am in the beginning stages of starting a foundation to help women and children affected by abuse. My daughter will be working with me on this project.
As I have looked into the process, I have been told it could take from 6 to 18 months to have an attorney fill out the mountain of paperwork, getting it ready to be submitted to the IRS for approval of the foundation.

It has been placed on my heart to put together a book that holds the stories of women, told in their own words, who have experienced all types of abuse. I know that abuse holds no prejudice, to age, race, gender, or social status, and it has many faces.

Although I have spoken with a few women about considering adding their stories to this book, I realize there perhaps may be other women who would want to share their story as well.
If you have a story that you would like to share, please feel free to contact me.

sothankful.tcp@gmail.com

Please note, the proceeds from this book will go to the foundation to help women and children affected by abuse.
Thanks For Reading!
Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

What a surreal experience my life has been. As I have been preparing to publish my first book, "So thankful! Life Behind the Posts", I have been aware of God's guidance every step of the way. He is surrounding me with people that I am recognizing as "divine connections". This new journey I am on is definitely taking me into unknown territory, however, this new territory I believe, is taking me to new heights.

I am so thankful that God is mindful of me, He knows me better than I know myself. The Spirit is gently guiding me when I start to get a little off track, nudging me to check my attitude or refocus. Staying in check keeps the flow of communication open, or another way to put it, it keeps the currency of heaven flowing.
 
I can definitely tell when life gets too busy and I start to change my focus a little to unneeded areas. Often times I have a hard time sleeping, the restlessness let's me know I need to refocus. As I am preparing to cross the finish line leading to the publishing of my first book, having started yet another. And, it has been on my heart to prepare for yet a third book.
 
The third book, will be the stories of various people who have experienced different forms of abuse, told in their own words. Other than necessary costs of running a non-profit organization, the proceeds from this book will go to help women and children in difficult situations. I am currently asking women I know who have been affected by abuse to pray about adding their story to this book.

Everything is in the beginning stages for starting a non-profit, to writing the book. I am aware there will be many things that will need to be addressed. However, the foundation will have a back bone of integrity. And the book will give as much privacy as possible to those opening up, giving insight into their lives.

 Life is definitely in transition! 2016 has been quite a year, and God is not finished with it. 2017 will be an amazing year, above anything I can ask or think. I will be in awe watching it unfold!

My hope is, upon my next blog I will be able to give my website address which has the link to this blog, along with the ability to order my book. You will also be able to click on "contact me" which leads to my email, to share your story. God is So Faithful!

Thanks For Reading!
Blessings!

Tammie

 

Welcome!

Life has been so busy!

What a journey of revelation and understanding I have been on since the last blog on October 9th.  I am learning how my life as a Christian must line up in order to have a successful prayer life. Which means, to me, having my prayers answered.

I have felt for some time now that I do have an open communication with God. I talk to Him on a daily basis, acknowledging Him in my life's situations.  But, I am learning to go deeper in the things of God, it requires a lifestyle change. An attitude change, or at least a refreshing, being more Christ-like.  Perhaps it means being kinder or maybe more considerate.  Possibly it could mean keeping my opinion to myself. Whatever adjustment is necessary for me to make, I'll make it.  There is nothing like the peace I have when I know that my life is a reflection of Christ.

I honestly thought this journey to healing, would simply take me to my place of healing. I thought the journey would be long. As I have joyously discovered, this journey I am on is not only taking me through the healing process but in other directions as well.

I believe being healed from my past was needed to help me forgive. This, in turn, will help change my prayer life to go from one dimension to another. And, ultimately, answered prayer every time.
I also believe that forgiving not only myself but others as well, has unclogged the line of communicating between God and me. In so doing, I believe, it has cleared the path for me in many areas, including my book.

I am looking forward to publishing my first book, "So Thankful! Life Behind the Posts", by the end of 2016.  God made the way for a website to be created for me, my book will be able to be purchased from that site. I will announce my websites address before year's end.
I'm in awe as I am seeing not only the story of my life already helping others, but God making the way for the vision of my website to be launched at the same time.
I remember years ago asking God to take my life and use it for His glory, I had no idea the path that statement would put me on. But, I am so glad He is doing just that.
Thanks For Reading!
Blessings

Tammie

Welcome!

Wow, since the blog I posted on 9-25-16 I have had such a sense of peace and joy.

It is amazing to me how one can fall into the trap of defeat simply by allowing unforgiveness to be a part of their life.

I have recently been taught something that has changed my life. It's this, that conviction is meant to pull me to God, knowing that He loves me enough to correct me, while condemnation is from the enemy telling me I'm not good enough.

Up until this teaching I have taken the correction of God as, I haven't done right, now I will beat myself up over it. Now my thought is "wow, He loves me enough to point out what I have done wrong, so I will know not to do it again". It's just like when we correct our children because we love them and want what is best for them.

Now when I do, or say something that isn't quite right, I get that nudge letting me know I need to do differently. I am taking that as God telling me "I love you and want better for you, so do differently". 

Life has changed for me for the better! It all boiled down to forgiving myself, and forgiving others. I have noticed that as I forgave myself not only was it easier to forgive others, but my love for myself and others was intact. Again from the post on 9-25-16 forgiving myself was huge! I simply had no idea how huge it would be.

Thanks For Reading!

Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

Wow, God is SO good!

Going through my healing process, making a conscious effort daily to keep forgiveness at the forefront of my heart, I feel light and free.

Last night as I was reading through a book I wrote "So Thankful! Life Behind the Posts" which just went through the editing process, I am now reading through the changes made to add, take away, or leave as is.  As I was reading a painful part of the book I noticed something that reminded me of a blog I posted 8-6-16  Excerpt; I cried and prayed. I told God "I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to hurt anymore, I want to be healed".  I DIDN'T CRY! and the pain diminished.  I just sat back in my chair and thought "WOW".

I know forgiving others is really important, but forgiving myself!?  I had NO idea how not only important, but big that would be to this process. It's as if forgiving myself helped me to forgive others. It feels like the flow of Gods joy and peace has been unblocked.  Imagine dirt clogging a plastic pipe, then water being rushed through the pipe to clear it, that's how this feels to me. Forgiving myself is that water rushing through my heart cleaning the dirt of non-forgiveness of myself and others out.  The pipe goes from being heavy to being light because there is no more dirt weighing it down.  That's how I feel!

Pondering this process I believe I had to go back through the years of my adolescence as I mentioned from my first blog on 5-28-16  to get to the root of the non-forgiveness of myself and others.  I had to remember scenario's which transpired in my life to begin the healing process. To accept them for what they were, and forgive, to move on. 

When I began this blogging process I thought "my God what if this process takes a year or two".  In all honesty, even though I really don't know who but a few of you are, I felt an obligation to not only myself but to all who read these blogs to get through this process.  I couldn't stop no matter how much it hurt my heart or disgusted I felt.  My goodness, I am SO glad I kept going! 

Thanks For Reading! 

Blessing!

Tammie

Welcome!

Since my blog on September 9th, I have been pondering how I used to be, and how to get back the better me.  My first step would be to forgive myself, and this would entail not reminding myself of past failures, but putting my focus on what's positive concerning the future.

A few months ago Matthew 22:37-40 was quoted in a meeting I attended to bring out a really interesting point, the point was found in the 39th verse, "you shall love your neighbor as yourself"  wow, as you love yourself! That really gave me something to think on, my thought was, "do I love myself?".

Along with pondering the thought of loving myself, God also placed 1st Corinthians 13:4-8 on my heart, these verses focus on love.

Verse 4 "Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5 Love is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]: it does not take into account wrong endured. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. 7 Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening] 8 love never fails [it never fades or ends]..." amp

Is this what my life is about? Is this what others see in me? Sadly, I'm not sure all the descriptions of love have been a part of my daily life in recent years.

Looking back to the blog on 7-8-16, I need to forgive myself of the past so that I will be set free. Although the blog talks about releasing others, I also need to release myself. I will stop being critical of myself for past mistakes, God has forgiven me, so who am I not to forgive myself? He doesn't remember the mistakes I've made, and part of loving myself includes forgiving myself.

This time of meditation on these scriptures has been an eye opener, helping remember who I used to be and knowing the way back is healing from the inside out, forgiving and loving myself.  I already feel a change has taken place within myself and feel a load has been lifted off me.

It's amazing how forgiving one's self can have the same freeing effects as forgiving others.

Now it's time to keep moving forward in love and forgiveness of myself and others, letting the past be just that, the past.

Thanks For Reading!

Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

   I was lying in bed trying to sleep pondering this blog believing that I had nothing to say (not of any importance anyway) when I heard God gently say to me, "but you do." He reminded me of a word spoken by the same woman of God I spoke about in my blog on August 20th.

   The word she spoke hit so many key areas of my life that I just cried, and then cried some more! By the time she was done speaking, I knew that I knew that by the end of this journey, I would indeed be healed and whole. Since then, I  listened to what she spoke about five times. With each time that I listen, I'm being given an even greater hope of healing and wholeness, and God opened my eyes more to what He was saying to me through her.

At this moment I am still in an  "oh my God" discovery mode from the blog I posted on September 2nd.  It was definitely an eye-opener that is helping me to heal and stand strong.  Although it has now been a week since this discovery, I am still in the processing mode. Again, quoting from my September 2nd blog, "it wasn’t something I did, it wasn't something I said, and it wasn’t my fault, but it was a result of a decision made".

   I think sometimes the need to be loved and taken care of, along with a history of abuse at whatever level can cloud a person's sense judgment. We look past what should be obvious but isn't. It leads to a place no one wants to be.  Despair, regret, and loneliness. The list could go on in many directions.

   Since I have been on this journey it's as if a film has been removed from the eyes of my heart. God has been answering questions and has given me revelations to different scriptures.  For example, Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death... " the word wages refers to payment. However, I did not associate that with something that would cost me.  All too often we read scriptures without taking the time to digest them and allowing the revelation to be revealed. Bad choices will take you where you don't want to be, and charge you more than you want to pay! In some cases causing a sense of total hopelessness, leaving you feeling there is no way back. Whether it's emotional, physical, or financially (I have learned this first hand!). Emotionally I was taken to a place where I did not want to get out of bed, dreading my daily life and the unknown of that day. Even though I am a Christian I felt as if there was no hope.

   Jeremiah 29:11  Say's "Gods thoughts and plans for us are for hope, to give us a future."  I personally could not grasp the concept that that was for me, do to the very high cost of decisions I had made.  It wasn't until I started this journey of healing and wholeness that I started to accept and digest that scripture for myself,  I'm still digesting it.

   I am now on my way to healing and wholeness! I don't know how long this journey will be, but I know God Has me on the right path. There are some self-discoveries that I have had to recognize and ask God to help me rid them out of my life. 

   In all honesty, as I sit here typing, thinking about the right words to write, wanting to be transparent, but not wanting to be too transparent. At this moment, the biggest obstacle appears to be forgiving myself!  A poor choice, or perhaps choices I made that affected not only my life at a heavy cost, but also the lives of the people that mean the most to me, they paid a price as well. Not of their own choice made, but mine.

Thanks For Reading! 
Blessing! 

Tammie

Click here

Welcome!

   A few years ago I asked God, why? I did not understand why situations in my life were as they were. I knew these situations weren't normal, (in my opinion), but I didn’t know why appeared to me as not normal was happening.

Sometimes God doesn’t answer us right away because we are not strong enough for the answer. 

   In my case, I believe I not only had to be strong enough but in the right place in my life to go through this healing process. I needed to be ready for a change. 

   The other day God gave me the answer, and it took me back. All I could say was "OH MY GOD!"  I was mad at myself, feeling as if I not only had been totally tricked but that my life had been wasted. A friend of mine was with me during this discovery, she made a statement to me that caused a turning point. She said, "Tammie, turn around and move forward!" The statement was based on a song she had me listen to earlier that day that hit home with me. 

   If God would have given me the answer to the question when I asked Him, I would not have been strong enough for the answer. I needed to be on this journey of healing to understand, it wasn’t something I did, it wasn't something I said, and it wasn’t my fault, but it was a result of a decision made. 

I've turned around, I'm moving forward!

Thank For Reading!

Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

   It's amazing to me how God is not only holding my hand but has also brought a person into my life who through her own journey is leading me through my journey, teaching me how to go through this process. 

   My desperation for healing and wholeness has taken me to a quiet place, a place where total surrender to God is the only way.  Surrender is not a word most people like to hear, let alone do, many like to be in control or feel as if they are in control of the circumstances of their life.  For me giving up control means gaining control, and gaining control means I will be free to be who I was born to be. That's the best way I can describe everything I am feeling.

   I'm relying solely on the process of this journey, believing by total surrender at the end of my journey, I will be whole.  Although I'm going through one process, it leads to many areas of my life. It's hard to explain.  But I can see how the process of this journey will bring me to wholeness!  It's a matter of doing just as I am doing, going through the process.

Thanks For Reading! 

Blessings! 

Tammie

Welcome!

The road I'm on in the healing process of my journey is leading me to write another book.

This book will require me to examine who I am in Christ. To me, that means what the finished work on the Cross of Jesus is all about: being redeemed, being saved, and what all of that really means.

I truly don't believe I have ever been completely whole, but I will be. The only way I know to go is the way I'm being led. All week I've been struggling, asking God for help. I believe He (God) wants me to find out who I am in Him, and that has reminded me of a book that was already in my heart to write, it all just fit.

As I have stated in a previous blog I was raised under hellfire and brimstone, not a loving doctrine, or one that would portray God the Father as loving or kind. So, I need to find out for myself what His Love, His Grace, and His Mercy is all about; to receive it, and be made whole. 

Thanks For Reading!

Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

Thank you to all who have commented on my blogs!

   Throughout my life, I could not understand why anyone would put up with certain things that I now would define as abuse. It simply made no sense to me. And then, the light bulb moment happened.

   It's interesting "if that is the correct verb" but hard to explain how one can love someone who's abusive, be it, family or friend. Or how someone could stay with an abusive spouse, partner, whatever the case.  But now, I get it! That was a sad but humbling time in my life.

   The day I had the light bulb moment was a few years ago now, it took me a while to digest the reality of my life.  I was told by a good friend "whom I adopted as a sister" that she has seen a few women around my age going through menopause who decide not to put up with being miss treated anymore, that possibly could have helped the light bulb moment.  None the less, I had it.

   I have never wanted to be placed in the category of being a statistic, so I am going to take this situation moving forward to help others while helping myself.

   The healing process that will break me away from the inner turmoil residing in me and heal me so I will be whole begins with my relationship with my Father God, His Spirit and Jesus finished work on the cross.
   I know what it's like to feel the sweet presence of His peace in my life, and the arms of  His strength surrounding me.  However, having been raised a preachers kid, my dad was taught under the hellfire and brimstone doctrine, therefore, that is the doctrine I grew up in. 
   I was taught going to movies, wearing makeup and ear piercings among other things were all sin and I would go to hell for them. He knew no better.
    About eight years ago I needed to find out who God was for myself.  I no longer would just take what was preached or what an elder said as Gospel truth, I needed to see it in the Bible for myself and let God talk to me Himself.  I needed to know for myself, I needed to hear from God for me which meant reading the Bible, praying and letting God talk to me, instead of just believing what others told me He said. I am teachable, but I also have learned to use wisdom and discernment.

   So, how do I allow this process? The only way I know is through giving it all to God, prayer, and His word. Please note, this is not fictional, this is actually the process I'm going through and the way I'm getting there. This is my life! For Real.

   I know I need to forgive myself for decisions made that affected my life and those around me. And I need to forgive and release others from any wrong done to me.

   I was talking with a couple of my kids about these blogs which led to another conversation.  As I left the conversation on the way to my next destination, I cried and prayed. I told God "I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to hurt anymore, I want to be healed". I want to be open about the past if needed, but without the tears and my heart hurting.

I was reminded of a play the church I attended years ago used to put on concerning the places Jesus shed His blood which led me to a scripture and a quote from that scripture that say's " The spear was thrust through Jesus side, showing that He died from a broken heart, to heal my broken heart.

Thank For Reading! 

Blessings! 

Tammie

Welcome!

Looking back, I ponder “What has my life’s journey taught me thus far?”

   My answer, to not allow anyone to control my life. It’s ok to be me! To laugh and cry, to go through hard times without feeling the need to get over, or suppress my feelings based on how others think I should act, feel, or heal.  I’ve learned to dress and wear my hair the way I choose so I can feel good about me. That I’m entitled to my opinion and to speak my opinion if I choose to.  I have found I can’t just take someone's word about situations as gospel truth, but to use my own judgement weighing the situations for myself.

I also have learned to do the things that bring joy to my life, things that fulfill me and causes me happiness. To walk away from anger, not allowing someone else's issues to control me or bring me down. I’ve learned to confront belittling, not allowing it to take root in my heart knowing that one’s spoken opinion of me does not define who I am.

I will no longer allow anyone to place blame on me were blame is not due.  Also, recognizing I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness, nor is anyone responsible for mine.  

Life has taught me that man’s negative opinion of my talents does not mean they're bad! It means it’s their opinion.

This journey has taught me that I don't need to try and change who I am to please others. People will like me for me, or they won’t.

I will not compromise who I am or my beliefs. I will however be still, waiting for the correct time to share my beliefs.

My journey has taught me signs of abuse, and how to be sensitive to the needs of the abused.

As I share my journey with others it’s taught me that others have already gone through, or are currently going through as well.

This journey has changed me.  I’m wiser, stronger. Self-confident (even though I have a way’s to go).  It has humbled me. It’s helped me to look deeper into issues, and to understand the underlying factors.

Life has helped me to see that if words do not sound right, or off, that I need to look deeper, and acknowledge the red flag. Going by my gut, it’s not wrong. To not second guess my decisions based on the opinions of others.

I have been taught many life lessons through this journey.  Some that I mentioned are a bit vague, but rest assured I know exactly what they are. It is my passion to take the lessons I have learned, and use them to help others, helping them to acknowledge the red flags as well. In some cases encouraging those who are abused to run the other way, and not to look back!

Thanks for Reading!

Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

   I am so thankful God is allowing me to see that there is a purpose to the pain. It's giving me encouragement to keep being transparent. Although God did not cause the pain, He is taken what was meant for my harm and is using it to help others. And that is my prayer! Otherwise, the pain in my life, in my eyes, was for nothing.

   A few of my readers know my story. Their encouragement and support of this blog have helped me know that even though what is written is tough to write, and in some cases possibly hard to read, it is needed. I admit, it's difficult to be so transparent, but it's not about me!

   I asked my good friend who is the First Lady of the Church I attend to write the forward for my book "So Thankful! Life Behind the Posts". As I was writing the book I was talking to her about the transparency of the book, having concerns it was too much. As she was encouraging the writing of the book, She said, (paraphrasing a little, her exact words I don't remember,) "Tammie, you have no idea how many women are going through, and need to hear this." Although my book is different from this blog, it still talks about my storms of life and how the strength of God and holding on to His word has brought me through.

   Life can be a bed of roses, although things may look and smell good on the outside, if you look closer you will find a thorn, being pricked by a thorn can cause pain and at times blood.  I personally hid the pain of my life or tried to. At first, it was a shock to me that someone so close to me would say such belittling things in a demeaning way. My loved one didn't say that I was ugly or fat, I was called a bi..h twice and trust me I put that in check REAL quick, I was NOT going to be called that name again! It's interesting looking back that I took the other abuse but not that. It's hard to explain, it was the way I was spoken to, and that my opinions were seemingly always wrong, to the point I purposely quit giving my opinion.  Sometimes silence can be abusive as well. If you are trying to talk to someone and that someone says nothing in response, or says "anyway", then totally changes the subject without acknowledging you had even spoken a word. Or, simply ignores your existence when you are in a room. It's tough!

   I was embarrassed for people to see how I was treated, I just smiled or said nothing to keep the put-downs to a minimal. I did, however, confide in my best friend, she had witnessed what I was going through. As the years went on I would walk to another room to keep the tears from being seen, smiling if someone came up to me, assuring everything was fine. I believe that even though someone loves you, they love you how they know to love. However, I'm not excusing abusive behavior! Years ago I truly did not understand it, and it hurt me to the core! It crushed my heart! I felt I had to protect those closest to me, trying to hide it all. Making excuses or softening harsh words. I did not even stop to think that people would have their own opinion whether I tried to hide things or not. 

   Did I want to leave?  At times, yes, but deep down I felt that wasn't the direction I was supposed to take. There were good times. In reality, the good and bad balanced each other out. During the bad I always knew the good was coming, but, during the good, I knew the bad was coming also. I learned the triggers, how to try and avoid the bad. But that meant not having a voice at all, or so I thought. I was asked once by the one closest to me why I was still here? Because of the history of the abuse, it wasn't clear to me if I was being told I wasn't good enough. The question took me by surprise. I did not ask for a definition, I wasn't sure I wanted one. Later after he accepted Christ into his heart he told me he didn't know why I hadn't left long ago. That statement gave me my answer. Life took a total 180* turn, it was wonderful! 

Finding a church that suited us all wasn't easy, eventually, we just quit looking. Life went back to how it was before.

   I now understand much more than I did, it truly helps soften the pain. I believe I now understand the "why's" behind the abuse. Again, it doesn't excuse it, but it helps me forgive which is what's needed for me to move forward.

   I'm learning I have to take charge of my own life, not allowing anyone to define it for me. I truthfully was struggling with even posting this blog. I was asking God "should I post it now, later, or never?" Then on Facebook today a well-known woman of God was talking, her message was the answer I needed to keep going. She has gone through also, and made it!

   I am living proof that the chains of your past can cause you to be a way you do not want to be, or in my case even realize the effects of the past are present. It took people I trusted to point this out to me.

I want you to know it has been the strength of God that has brought me through all of life's struggles and has kept me sane during my most challenging times. When tough times come I look back at how He brought me through in the past knowing He will bring me through again. There is an old song that say's "He didn't bring us this far to leave us, He didn't teach us to swim to let us drown, He didn't build His home in us to move away, He didn't lift us to let us down" love that song, it has helped me a lot. 

I actually wrote this blog this last weekend knowing my week was going to be really busy. And I'll tell you, even after I heard encouraging words from the woman of God knowing I needed to move forward to post this blog, it was still really hard for me. I asked a few more people about it, all encouraged me to post, even though they hadn't read it, their words helped push me to post. Again it's not about me!   

Thanks For Reading! 
Blessings! 
Tammie

Welcome!

   Since the last blog my thought has been "man, I'm really putting myself out there." wondering what everyone might be thinking.

   One of my readers messaged me a few weeks ago saying how brave she thought I was and was glad that I found my voice. I'm grateful for her message, it made me think.  Honestly, I have not thought of myself in those terms, but rather as a survivor. By survivor I mean, I can take it and keep going. But, by taking it, no matter what the abuse was, or is, it has created a version of myself that I didn't realize existed. The inner me that has been bound by the effects of the past. It doesn't matter if that past was over forty years ago, or as recent as last week, I don't want to be that person anymore! I am a strong person and can take what life brings. However, now that I have recognized that there are chains from my past that have held me back, I'm finding the key to unlock those chains so I will be free! The effects of the abuse in my life will no longer have a hold on me.

   When I was in the seventh and eighth grade, there was a group of girls I hung out with. The girl who was kind of the leader of the group (she had a tough upbringing) would always slug me in the arm, not to be mean, just joking around. One day I asked her why she would always do this me, and her reply was "because you can take it." Apparently, she had seen something in me coming from an abusive life herself, although her abuse was different than mine. I've tried to find her on Facebook without success. I remember her name. She may have married and has a different last name, not on social media at all, or perhaps passed away. I've thought of her often due to the fact that she, through those slugs in the arm, helped me to realize I was a strong person. As strange as that may sound, it's the way it is.

   Putting the transparency of my life out there for everyone to read feels a little vulnerable.

However, I know abuse holds no prejudice, male and female, young or old, no matter the color of a person skin, anyone can be affected.

   This week as I was thinking about the vulnerability of my life through not only blogging but the book I've written, (So Thankful! Life Behind the Posts.) It really didn't seem to matter to me. I know everyone will have their opinion, some will vocalize their opinion while others won't. And that's okay. But this one thing is giving me the strength to allow the level of transparency I have, (that someone will find strength in knowing that they are not alone!) Some have been through much worse than I, others perhaps not, but, you are still not alone!

   I endured sexual and mental abuse growing up. During my adult life, I have endured mental abuse. Although I have never been physically abused to the point of bruising, I have acknowledged little smacks on the arm (not in a playful way) something I will no longer allow to happen. I had to learn to love myself enough to say "EXCUSE ME, no more!"

   Since abuse was the norm growing up, (even though I did not recognize it as such) that norm carried into my adult life. Abuse can be sneaky and take on many forms. What feels as though someone is taking care of you, can actually be a form of control. This control at one time in my life was to the point of needing permission to color my hair, that permission was denied. I did, however, get a temporary color in my hair, feeling guilty I confessed, and he didn't notice, so I was off the hook.

   I am a Christian. I'm not religious. Jesus lives in my heart, My Heavenly Fathers Spirit is my helper, and He guides and teaches me every day. I have a relationship with God! Being a Christian is being Christ-like. I said all that to say this, I have been married 99% of my adult life since before I was 21.  I believe in being a Godly wife, and allowing the man to take his rightful place as head of the home (to wear the pants in the family). All of my married life I believe I have been a Godly wife, honoring and respecting my husband. However, because the abuse was apart of my life growing up, I accepted abuse as honoring my husband as well. Therefore, while I was in the dating stage I took certain parts of control as love and protection, with occasional verbal abuse as simply "why would he say that?" At the time, I did not have enough love or respect for myself to stand up for myself or simply just walk away.

   I have since after over 30 years acknowledged abuse for what it is, abuse! Being a Godly wife does not mean being a submissive abused wife. I am learning the difference. And yes, I do have a voice! Thank you, my reader, you know who you are : )

   To all my readers, please don't feel sorry for me. I have done enough of that on my own. Instead, know that God has given me a voice and the strength to help someone else who needs to know they are not alone and that someone understand and cares! I was to the point in my life where my thought was "God if this is all my life has to offer me, then take me home because I'd rather not live" But, you never go through storms in life for yourself, it's always to help someone else.

Thanks For Reading!

Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

   As I have allowed myself to go back through time in my mind remembering the unpleasantness life has brought, and getting to the root of the inner turmoil that has plagued me, the words of one of the challengers from one of the beginning blogs remain in my heart.

"Releasing someone is to tell them that because of the power of God you have no longer caused any damage in my life. You no longer owe me anything. We both are free"

This revelation is changing my life! It's helping me allow God to set me free! And truthfully, in some cases, it's something I do on a daily basis. Not face to face, but in my heart.

   The ones from my past can only still hurt me if I'm unforgiving toward them in my heart.

The ones in my present that are the same, yet different, they are the ones that still have access to my heart. I've heard it said for many years, and have found to be true, that the ones closest to you hurt you the worst. Wether intentional or not.

   Being hurt (in my case anyway) has caused a wall to go up to block my heart from further pain, but it's only led to an unforgiving attitude and bitterness. Trust is a pretty big thing to me, especially being able to trust someone's word. Trusting with my heart after it has been crushed especially when it's those closest to me, was a definite argument with God. It meant I had to open myself up to the very pain the wall was designed to keep out.

   Part of the healing process for me in one area of my life has been writing special notes for someone special. In one of those notes I felt I was supposed to write, "I trust you" I said, "really God!? But I don't" I didn't trust my heart would not be crushed again, and again. I really didn't want to write it because I felt it was a lie, but I had to trust God, so I wrote it. While I was writing "I trust you" I felt healing take place in my heart, and from that moment the trust was back. And yes, trust in that area is a process, forgiveness is a process, but I know I have to keep my heart open and not allow that wall back up. I have to trust the strength of God.

   For the sake of keeping it real, going through this process and opening my heart up again hasn't meant that my heart hasn't been hurt, even since I started this blogging. I've still cried and thought, "God, when is the hurt going to stop? When is my heart going to quit being broken?" I've wondered if my heart will be safe from this particular pain, yet knowing I have to keep forgiveness at the forefront of my life. Reminding my heart that love never fails. Note, man's love, But the love that comes from God.

God, Himself is love, and He never fails!

   I find myself through this process (and even before it began) wondering about the promises of God, not questioning them, but rather wondering when I'm going to see them come to pass, like Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, say's the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." NKJV

   I hold onto Gods word. He and His word are one. It's been my hope in the darkest times of my life.

As the blogging continues. As I continue to allow the healing process to continue through time alone with God and total surrender. Giving it all to Him. Releasing the hurt, bitterness, anger, disgust, forgiving myself, and others. One day I will wake up a whole, New Person!

Thanks For Reading!
Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!

Growing up, especially from my teen years on, I have maintained a mindset that one does not have the right to abuse or belittle another, period. Everyone bleeds red.

As I have been in this process, of remembering, my thoughts are, how DARE they! Who did they think they were? they knew exactly what their intentions were.  It angers me, and it sickens me! I know there is a healing process, maybe this is a part of it, but I won't let it take root! otherwise the predator has won, still having a hold on me, affecting my life.

During the conversation leading to the challenge that put me on this journey, a very interesting statement was made that has stayed with me, helping me in this process.  It was, forgiving someone means releasing them from the wrong as if it never happened.  Again, it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me! and what I need to be free!

When I was younger, even as the predators nibbled, as I mentioned in a prior post, I thought it was just me, their actions were innocent? or so I thought possible.   I know now that was not the case in any way. I'm mad at myself for being that vulnerable, that naive.  What's next?  First,  I need to forgive myself, that may prove to be tough!  I believe I am my toughest critic, I expect much from myself, but,  I know I have to forgive! even Myself!

I truly believe we don't go through the storms of life just to get through them, but to help someone going through, where we have been.  Or, possibly, to wave a red flag.

I believe that getting past the effects of the predator's nibbles is for a reason, not just healing for me, even though that's a HUGE part of it, but healing for others as well.

I know there are many different forms of abuse, sexually, physically, emotionally, the list keeps going. And though I have never been physically abused, at least not to the extreme, or even the not so extreme as many have.  I do however know the effects of sexual and emotional abuse.  Subtle and not so subtle.  It's lonely, painful, emotionally and physically draining.

When the obvious sex abuse happened, even though I told, for some reason I didn't think of it as sex abuse, but rather, something wrong that happened. Now that I'm grown,  recognizing it for what it was, my thoughts are, wow! And not in a good way, but in a sick and discussed way. Not at myself, but the predator.

It wasn't until just a few years ago that I recognized the emotional abuse I have endured all my life, as emotional abuse. Growing up I just thought of it as being bullied, not recognizing that words are creative and carry weight.  The old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" IS SUCH A LIE!! I could go into several stories of things that have been said to me that have stayed with me through my life, however, I choose not to go there.

I'm discovering that abuse has a deep root and has affected me in ways I have never thought possible. The protector who taught me used to always say or do things to make other people feel good. On many occasions, stretching the truth, to impress? I don't know.  Looking back at how I handled many things, I was unknowingly taught by the protector. Only He had confidence, or so I thought.  Maybe not, knowing some of his histories, maybe he too was in survival mode. None the less, I need to press through to healing.

As I've been writing these blogs, I've realized, all the abuse I've endured through my life has kept me in chains, and held me back. It's time for the chains to come off, the root to die, and to be set free! It all starts with forgiveness! So, I choose to forgive!

Knowing God is real has been such a big part of my life, He has become my lifeline. I've been through some hard stuff, and even though I wasn't always sure how to reach out to Him, looking back, He was always there.  Just like He'll be for this healing process.

Thanks for Reading!
Blessings!

Tammie