Welcome!

   Since the last blog my thought has been "man, I'm really putting myself out there." wondering what everyone might be thinking.

   One of my readers messaged me a few weeks ago saying how brave she thought I was and was glad that I found my voice. I'm grateful for her message, it made me think.  Honestly, I have not thought of myself in those terms, but rather as a survivor. By survivor I mean, I can take it and keep going. But, by taking it, no matter what the abuse was, or is, it has created a version of myself that I didn't realize existed. The inner me that has been bound by the effects of the past. It doesn't matter if that past was over forty years ago, or as recent as last week, I don't want to be that person anymore! I am a strong person and can take what life brings. However, now that I have recognized that there are chains from my past that have held me back, I'm finding the key to unlock those chains so I will be free! The effects of the abuse in my life will no longer have a hold on me.

   When I was in the seventh and eighth grade, there was a group of girls I hung out with. The girl who was kind of the leader of the group (she had a tough upbringing) would always slug me in the arm, not to be mean, just joking around. One day I asked her why she would always do this me, and her reply was "because you can take it." Apparently, she had seen something in me coming from an abusive life herself, although her abuse was different than mine. I've tried to find her on Facebook without success. I remember her name. She may have married and has a different last name, not on social media at all, or perhaps passed away. I've thought of her often due to the fact that she, through those slugs in the arm, helped me to realize I was a strong person. As strange as that may sound, it's the way it is.

   Putting the transparency of my life out there for everyone to read feels a little vulnerable.

However, I know abuse holds no prejudice, male and female, young or old, no matter the color of a person skin, anyone can be affected.

   This week as I was thinking about the vulnerability of my life through not only blogging but the book I've written, (So Thankful! Life Behind the Posts.) It really didn't seem to matter to me. I know everyone will have their opinion, some will vocalize their opinion while others won't. And that's okay. But this one thing is giving me the strength to allow the level of transparency I have, (that someone will find strength in knowing that they are not alone!) Some have been through much worse than I, others perhaps not, but, you are still not alone!

   I endured sexual and mental abuse growing up. During my adult life, I have endured mental abuse. Although I have never been physically abused to the point of bruising, I have acknowledged little smacks on the arm (not in a playful way) something I will no longer allow to happen. I had to learn to love myself enough to say "EXCUSE ME, no more!"

   Since abuse was the norm growing up, (even though I did not recognize it as such) that norm carried into my adult life. Abuse can be sneaky and take on many forms. What feels as though someone is taking care of you, can actually be a form of control. This control at one time in my life was to the point of needing permission to color my hair, that permission was denied. I did, however, get a temporary color in my hair, feeling guilty I confessed, and he didn't notice, so I was off the hook.

   I am a Christian. I'm not religious. Jesus lives in my heart, My Heavenly Fathers Spirit is my helper, and He guides and teaches me every day. I have a relationship with God! Being a Christian is being Christ-like. I said all that to say this, I have been married 99% of my adult life since before I was 21.  I believe in being a Godly wife, and allowing the man to take his rightful place as head of the home (to wear the pants in the family). All of my married life I believe I have been a Godly wife, honoring and respecting my husband. However, because the abuse was apart of my life growing up, I accepted abuse as honoring my husband as well. Therefore, while I was in the dating stage I took certain parts of control as love and protection, with occasional verbal abuse as simply "why would he say that?" At the time, I did not have enough love or respect for myself to stand up for myself or simply just walk away.

   I have since after over 30 years acknowledged abuse for what it is, abuse! Being a Godly wife does not mean being a submissive abused wife. I am learning the difference. And yes, I do have a voice! Thank you, my reader, you know who you are : )

   To all my readers, please don't feel sorry for me. I have done enough of that on my own. Instead, know that God has given me a voice and the strength to help someone else who needs to know they are not alone and that someone understand and cares! I was to the point in my life where my thought was "God if this is all my life has to offer me, then take me home because I'd rather not live" But, you never go through storms in life for yourself, it's always to help someone else.

Thanks For Reading!

Blessings!

Tammie