Welcome!

I've been soul searching since the last blog.  Recognizing, no matter how subtle, and in some case non-subtle, the effects of the predators have remained.

I've been going through my memory and remembering.  Remembering how with each lap that I sat on and each tickle, I was cautious! Remembering the possibility of a touch, but hoping I was wrong! I would question myself.  Could it be a mistake? This person loves me and is supposed to protect me. Surely this isn't meant in a bad way.  It was just me imagining it.

Thinking back, that's why I said nothing. They were friends of my dad, very good friends! They went to church.  In reality, that meant nothing. How many have hidden behind the cross, instead of kneeling before it?

I remember times not so subtle.  Waking up in the middle of the night, as their prey.   Without a doubt, it wasn't a mistake! It wasn't just me imagining it! Then, I did tell. Not adults, but friends. In one case, I believe my friend was prey herself, at the same hand. Another case my friend and I were told by her protector, the predator just liked what he had seen, I am paraphrasing, but that was the just of it. In those two cases, nothing happened to the predictor, and my wall grew higher, and my guard grew stronger.   I felt vulnerable but knew I had to protect myself.

I knew I had to guard myself but was unaware what the effects of being their prey would be in my life till just recently. I was made aware of the walls I built and pretty much everyone that was important to me confirmed the same thing.  Even my best friend who's known me for almost 40 yrs.  I know I have the attitude of, OK what do you want from me and just get to the point.  However, I was unaware of the back off (don't touch me) body language that I have carried over the years. I had always felt the issues stemmed from another part of my life, never stopping to think it might stem from childhood. The effects of being the prey. Now, what to do? I have to forgive! Not because what they did was right, or because they deserve it.  I need to forgive, for me! So I can heal!   I will not stop being the prey until I allow myself to forgive so the effects of their touch won't act as cancer in my life.  Holding on to un-forgiveness is keeping me bound to the effects of their nibbles. It's poisoning me and affecting my life.

There are a few things, all joined together, that have set my life on an unhealthy course. Well, the rudder is turning and the horizon is looking healthier and brighter. It's going to be a process.  I don't believe the process will take long, because I'm ready for it.   Even if it means it will be painful. As I was writing the last blog, it hurt! It made me nauseous! But as I was writing, the healing process was beginning. I was reliving and understanding some of the why's I had questioned, I may never know why a predator is a predator, but I believe they choose the weak for their prey.  Hopefully, I will be able to recognize the predator, or the signs of a predator to help or even protect those that are vulnerable, like I was.

Thanks For Reading
Blessings!
Tammie

Welcome!

   As I have only just started my journey towards healing, wholeness, and freedom I find myself wondering why? Why was I so vulnerable? Why did I not speak up? why was I so concerned about causing embarrassment instead of protecting myself? Why were the predators allowed to be in the company of the prey? Why was the one assigned to protect, not protect?
 
   As I look back, now being grown, with the wisdom and experience life brings, the questions are perhaps easier to answer, and, they have to be answered, there is no option, not for me.
   Why was I so vulnerable? After going through memories of my childhood through my teenage years, I recognized I had a need for love and attention I did not receive, life was, well, I believe I was in survival mode not knowing how to survive, just knowing I had to be strong and aware! My protector did love me, this I know.
 
   Sometimes the ones assigned to protect can be so entangled with helping others, they ignore their own. From the first inappropriate touch, glance, and word spoken, I was aware, I had to be. Our house was always filled with people, like a revolving door, people that had no place to go would camp out at our house, many should not have been allowed.

   I learned to laugh off the inappropriate words, and shield myself from a touch, I looked the other way or simply walked away from the glances, it was all around, I had to be aware.
   I do not like to be embarrassed, or embarrassing someone else, that's why I didn't speak up, sounds foolish, I know! Also, in some strange way, I felt those who planned to violate me, would protect me, possibly, because they acted protective of me, it was all part of their plan and something I was missing but found it with them. It all quickly became the norm.

   Looking back, I hear their voices, remembering more than I care to, but, it's' also healing, getting to the root of inner turmoil that has plagued me probably since I was a child.
The effects of abuse as I was growing up has taken my life in directions that have been toxic in many ways due to poor decisions I have made. I did not realize brokenness attracts brokenness or the weak, and abused, therefore the prey attracts the predator, thus, creating toxicity disguised as simply dysfunctional or the norm.
This brokenness, called my life, is on the road to wholeness, healing, and freedom.
Getting to the root could prove to be deeper, and more painful than originally thought.

Thanks for reading!
Blessings!

Tammie

Welcome!
This being my second blog, I've been pondering what to post. Life has been such a journey, the road has been quite bumpy. where do I start? What do I say? God is SO Good and Truly Faithful! I believe that's a great start!
I am on a journey, as we all are, however, everyone's journey is a little different in one way or another. The journey I am on is taking me all the way back to when I was growing up, possibly as young as seven years old, that's where my true memories begin, and that's where this journey towards total healing, wholeness, and freedom begins.
Everyone faces challenges in life, some challenges are greater than others. I have found with every challenge there is a choice, possibly, the true challenge may be the choice we make in regard to the challenge we face.
When I was seven a piece of my life passed away, my mother moved to heaven, this life-changing event started me on the road to brokenness, heartache, and pain, the list probably goes on more than I would like to know, however, I must know for my journey to healing wholeness and freedom to be complete.
A few weeks ago I was challenged to find the root of the inner turmoil currently residing in me, I excepted the challenge, knowing that it's only when I find the root and destroy it that it will no longer have the power to affect my life, and I will be truly free. My journey began with a visit to a relative who I believe held the Answers to the questions I had, but would the answers be truthful or would a secret be held? I left the visit resting in the comfort of the answers I received, knowing what my memory told me and what made sense, being well aware of the fact there are many predators in this world looking for prey and more than willing to feast. I made my mind up, and, I am determined, I will no longer allow the nibbles taken to define me any longer in any way, so, the journey continues.

Thanks for reading! Blessings!
Tammie