Welcome!
As I have only just started my journey towards healing, wholeness, and freedom I find myself wondering why? Why was I so vulnerable? Why did I not speak up? why was I so concerned about causing embarrassment instead of protecting myself? Why were the predators allowed to be in the company of the prey? Why was the one assigned to protect, not protect?
As I look back, now being grown, with the wisdom and experience life brings, the questions are perhaps easier to answer, and, they have to be answered, there is no option, not for me.
Why was I so vulnerable? After going through memories of my childhood through my teenage years, I recognized I had a need for love and attention I did not receive, life was, well, I believe I was in survival mode not knowing how to survive, just knowing I had to be strong and aware! My protector did love me, this I know.
Sometimes the ones assigned to protect can be so entangled with helping others, they ignore their own. From the first inappropriate touch, glance, and word spoken, I was aware, I had to be. Our house was always filled with people, like a revolving door, people that had no place to go would camp out at our house, many should not have been allowed.
I learned to laugh off the inappropriate words, and shield myself from a touch, I looked the other way or simply walked away from the glances, it was all around, I had to be aware.
I do not like to be embarrassed, or embarrassing someone else, that's why I didn't speak up, sounds foolish, I know! Also, in some strange way, I felt those who planned to violate me, would protect me, possibly, because they acted protective of me, it was all part of their plan and something I was missing but found it with them. It all quickly became the norm.
Looking back, I hear their voices, remembering more than I care to, but, it's' also healing, getting to the root of inner turmoil that has plagued me probably since I was a child.
The effects of abuse as I was growing up has taken my life in directions that have been toxic in many ways due to poor decisions I have made. I did not realize brokenness attracts brokenness or the weak, and abused, therefore the prey attracts the predator, thus, creating toxicity disguised as simply dysfunctional or the norm.
This brokenness, called my life, is on the road to wholeness, healing, and freedom.
Getting to the root could prove to be deeper, and more painful than originally thought.
Thanks for reading!
Blessings!
Tammie
As I have only just started my journey towards healing, wholeness, and freedom I find myself wondering why? Why was I so vulnerable? Why did I not speak up? why was I so concerned about causing embarrassment instead of protecting myself? Why were the predators allowed to be in the company of the prey? Why was the one assigned to protect, not protect?
As I look back, now being grown, with the wisdom and experience life brings, the questions are perhaps easier to answer, and, they have to be answered, there is no option, not for me.
Why was I so vulnerable? After going through memories of my childhood through my teenage years, I recognized I had a need for love and attention I did not receive, life was, well, I believe I was in survival mode not knowing how to survive, just knowing I had to be strong and aware! My protector did love me, this I know.
Sometimes the ones assigned to protect can be so entangled with helping others, they ignore their own. From the first inappropriate touch, glance, and word spoken, I was aware, I had to be. Our house was always filled with people, like a revolving door, people that had no place to go would camp out at our house, many should not have been allowed.
I learned to laugh off the inappropriate words, and shield myself from a touch, I looked the other way or simply walked away from the glances, it was all around, I had to be aware.
I do not like to be embarrassed, or embarrassing someone else, that's why I didn't speak up, sounds foolish, I know! Also, in some strange way, I felt those who planned to violate me, would protect me, possibly, because they acted protective of me, it was all part of their plan and something I was missing but found it with them. It all quickly became the norm.
Looking back, I hear their voices, remembering more than I care to, but, it's' also healing, getting to the root of inner turmoil that has plagued me probably since I was a child.
The effects of abuse as I was growing up has taken my life in directions that have been toxic in many ways due to poor decisions I have made. I did not realize brokenness attracts brokenness or the weak, and abused, therefore the prey attracts the predator, thus, creating toxicity disguised as simply dysfunctional or the norm.
This brokenness, called my life, is on the road to wholeness, healing, and freedom.
Getting to the root could prove to be deeper, and more painful than originally thought.
Thanks for reading!
Blessings!
Tammie
No comments:
Post a Comment