Welcome!
I've been soul searching since the last blog. Recognizing, no matter how subtle, and in some case non-subtle, the effects of the predators have remained.
I've been going through my memory and remembering. Remembering how with each lap that I sat on and each tickle, I was cautious! Remembering the possibility of a touch, but hoping I was wrong! I would question myself. Could it be a mistake? This person loves me and is supposed to protect me. Surely this isn't meant in a bad way. It was just me imagining it.
Thinking back, that's why I said nothing. They were friends of my dad, very good friends! They went to church. In reality, that meant nothing. How many have hidden behind the cross, instead of kneeling before it?
I remember times not so subtle. Waking up in the middle of the night, as their prey. Without a doubt, it wasn't a mistake! It wasn't just me imagining it! Then, I did tell. Not adults, but friends. In one case, I believe my friend was prey herself, at the same hand. Another case my friend and I were told by her protector, the predator just liked what he had seen, I am paraphrasing, but that was the just of it. In those two cases, nothing happened to the predictor, and my wall grew higher, and my guard grew stronger. I felt vulnerable but knew I had to protect myself.
I knew I had to guard myself but was unaware what the effects of being their prey would be in my life till just recently. I was made aware of the walls I built and pretty much everyone that was important to me confirmed the same thing. Even my best friend who's known me for almost 40 yrs. I know I have the attitude of, OK what do you want from me and just get to the point. However, I was unaware of the back off (don't touch me) body language that I have carried over the years. I had always felt the issues stemmed from another part of my life, never stopping to think it might stem from childhood. The effects of being the prey. Now, what to do? I have to forgive! Not because what they did was right, or because they deserve it. I need to forgive, for me! So I can heal! I will not stop being the prey until I allow myself to forgive so the effects of their touch won't act as cancer in my life. Holding on to un-forgiveness is keeping me bound to the effects of their nibbles. It's poisoning me and affecting my life.
There are a few things, all joined together, that have set my life on an unhealthy course. Well, the rudder is turning and the horizon is looking healthier and brighter. It's going to be a process. I don't believe the process will take long, because I'm ready for it. Even if it means it will be painful. As I was writing the last blog, it hurt! It made me nauseous! But as I was writing, the healing process was beginning. I was reliving and understanding some of the why's I had questioned, I may never know why a predator is a predator, but I believe they choose the weak for their prey. Hopefully, I will be able to recognize the predator, or the signs of a predator to help or even protect those that are vulnerable, like I was.
Thanks For Reading
Blessings!
Tammie
I've been soul searching since the last blog. Recognizing, no matter how subtle, and in some case non-subtle, the effects of the predators have remained.
I've been going through my memory and remembering. Remembering how with each lap that I sat on and each tickle, I was cautious! Remembering the possibility of a touch, but hoping I was wrong! I would question myself. Could it be a mistake? This person loves me and is supposed to protect me. Surely this isn't meant in a bad way. It was just me imagining it.
Thinking back, that's why I said nothing. They were friends of my dad, very good friends! They went to church. In reality, that meant nothing. How many have hidden behind the cross, instead of kneeling before it?
I remember times not so subtle. Waking up in the middle of the night, as their prey. Without a doubt, it wasn't a mistake! It wasn't just me imagining it! Then, I did tell. Not adults, but friends. In one case, I believe my friend was prey herself, at the same hand. Another case my friend and I were told by her protector, the predator just liked what he had seen, I am paraphrasing, but that was the just of it. In those two cases, nothing happened to the predictor, and my wall grew higher, and my guard grew stronger. I felt vulnerable but knew I had to protect myself.
I knew I had to guard myself but was unaware what the effects of being their prey would be in my life till just recently. I was made aware of the walls I built and pretty much everyone that was important to me confirmed the same thing. Even my best friend who's known me for almost 40 yrs. I know I have the attitude of, OK what do you want from me and just get to the point. However, I was unaware of the back off (don't touch me) body language that I have carried over the years. I had always felt the issues stemmed from another part of my life, never stopping to think it might stem from childhood. The effects of being the prey. Now, what to do? I have to forgive! Not because what they did was right, or because they deserve it. I need to forgive, for me! So I can heal! I will not stop being the prey until I allow myself to forgive so the effects of their touch won't act as cancer in my life. Holding on to un-forgiveness is keeping me bound to the effects of their nibbles. It's poisoning me and affecting my life.
There are a few things, all joined together, that have set my life on an unhealthy course. Well, the rudder is turning and the horizon is looking healthier and brighter. It's going to be a process. I don't believe the process will take long, because I'm ready for it. Even if it means it will be painful. As I was writing the last blog, it hurt! It made me nauseous! But as I was writing, the healing process was beginning. I was reliving and understanding some of the why's I had questioned, I may never know why a predator is a predator, but I believe they choose the weak for their prey. Hopefully, I will be able to recognize the predator, or the signs of a predator to help or even protect those that are vulnerable, like I was.
Thanks For Reading
Blessings!
Tammie
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